In early November I noticed some symptoms that I knew were not normal, so on the 18th I had a biopsy. On November 25th, while I was in Minnesota at my daughters home for Thanksgiving, I got a call from my ob/gyn doctor to tell me that I had uterine cancer. She told me that a complete hysterectomy would be the treatment.
The big C! For almost a week I choked on the word when I had to tell about it. That word was something that I only had heard about other people having, and I never had dreamed that it would apply to me. I could only hang onto what the doctor said, "If a person has to have cancer this is the one to hope for." What a relief...lol!
This thing has been a roller coaster ride for me. At first, it was the uncertainty about what it was and what would happen. Then, I dealt with what it would do to all the plans I had for the holidays. Silly, but it was stressful. Then, after knowing I did have cancer, I had to wait from the end of November for a month to see the surgeon. She told me that she had scheduled me for January 18th for surgery...three weeks later!!! The final worry was if I could be ready for surgery with my sugar diabetes under control. I worked very hard to gain control. I only met the sugar requirements last Friday (January 13th) with my blood tests.
I had told some of my friends about my suspicians, but I had not told my adult children. I did not want then to worry...just in case there was another explanation. Now I had to tell them. My daughter and I went out shopping that night, and, while we were in the car, I told her. She did not cry, but I could her eyes welling up with tears in the light of the dashboard. She asked me how I was with that. I am the mother, and I am supposed to be strong. I said no worries. Inside I was scared to death, but I put on a good front. When were at the airport leaving for home, my daughter was kissing her dad goodbye. I heard her whisper to her father, "Take good care of Mom, Dad."
I was in Minnesota, and earlier in the afternoon, before I told my daughter, my son-in-law heard me talking on the phone. He could not hear my words, but he could tell by my tone that something serious had been discussed. He asked me if anything was wrong. I sat on the bed in his room and told him. I need to explain that my son-in-law is often withdrawn and very quiet. That afternoon and all the next day he was completely present to me. He told me that he and my daughter love us deeply. He was very caring, and also shared how good that they have parents to look up to. It totally blessed me. I came to understand that his sometimes distant behavior had nothing to do with us. He just likes to keep his own company at times. It will change how my hubby and I feel when we are visiting our daughter.
Friends have told me things letting me know how they saw me and what I mean to them. The degree of some of these feelings they expressed was unknown to me. They have blessed me immensely.
I have come closer to my oldest son and my daughter-in-law during this time. Usually I would only see this son about once a month. When I told him what was going on, he said he would be able to do anything I needed. He ended up coming over to get out our Christmas decorations and helped to put up the outside lights. He and his family spent four different days during Christmas and also New Years Day. A blessing.
My cousin who is staying with me, and we have gotten as close as we were when we were children. She has been more solicitious than I ever dreamed. She was supposed to go home after the first of the year. She has decided to stay to help me when I get hime from the hospital. It is amazing how our relationship keeps getting closer and closer.
Last Sunday our church service was incredible. The worship felt like it was meant for me. One of the songs had the words, "Let the weak say I am strong. Let the sick say I am well." I sang them wholeheartedly and felt like God was trying to reassure me. Then our pastor did an altar call for people who were dealing with something something difficult, and he asked the rest of the people to come down and pray over someone in the group. Pastor had said that two people told him in first service that they had been cured...that they felt it during the prayer. I was not praying for a cure, but I was praying everything to be according to His plan. In the beginning of the whole thing I had prayed to God, and told Him that I put myself in His hands. I told Him that this meant I would be okay with whatever He had decided about me. In fact, all the stress I mentioned earlier dealt with circumstances rather than the diagnosis or outcome of the cancer. All during the prayer I was dealing with another problem that I have that needs correction. I have tried to overcome this problem, and time after time I had failed. At the end of the prayer I felt that this had been removed from me. If is a belief that has filled me with peace.
So tomorrow (January 18th) is the day. In spite of the circumstances, I feel blessed in very special ways. because God has given me incredible gifts to help me through this time.
Heavenly Father, You made me and know my every movement and how I am made.I know that you have a plan for my life. I thank you for this time where You have been present in the mist of the confusion and worry about the havic that this Cancer will produce in my life. I know nothing happens unless You allow it to happen. I have a heightened awareness that I have so many habits which I know I need to changed. I need to exercise. I should avoid procrastination. I should spend more time with You. Thank you for opening my mind to these needs. I know you will be with me tomorrow, and hold me in your arms as I go through my surgery. Praise you Lord God Almighty.
Amen.
Corinne Mustafa
1/17/12
