10/27/14
God often invites
people to come to Him to walk out onto the water. His request is anchored in
the fact that He showing us proof that all things are possible through Him. Peter
stepped out of the boat and walked on water. In case you have missed it water
is not a solid surface, but Peter was successful walking on it until…yes until
he got distracted by the fear that he would sink, and then he took his eyes off
God. Sometimes people have a choice about whether or not to accept His summons.
However, sometimes a person has no choice about whether or not to accept the
call of God to walk on water.
For that second group there
is no choice other than to just walk through what is being required by the circumstances
of their life. I am part of that second group. I had already ridden the cancer
merry go round two years ago when the big “C” made it necessary that I undergo
a hysterectomy. When that happened I could not even bring myself to say the
word, Cancer. I felt an inability to put a name to what I was going through and
kind of shyness to admit my condition. Cancer was something that happens to
other people. I never even dreamed that it would happen to me. Well it did; I did
what I had to do which also included three radiation treatments to lower the
already low percentage that rogue cells could come back to cause any trouble. I
cannot actually remember being very upset. That is probably because I have a
habit of not taking grave happenings very seriously. I think that is called being
a “cock-eyed optimist.
”
This summer I spent a
marvelous three weeks in Maine and came home innocently unaware of what was
about to happen. I had scheduled a mammogram for when I returned and went to
have it a couple of days later. I knew it was not good news when I got a call four
days later asking me to come in for more tests. Then came the news that I had
Breast Cancer. Me? Breast Cancer? Not me! Yes, me!
The surprising thing
for me was that this time the walk through the treatment was unbelievably
traumatic. Two surgeries happened and sixteen radiation treatments was the next
step. At the the time of this writing I have
two more treatments, and I will be done. For a lot of the time I felt like I
was in a horrible night, or should I say daymare. I was spastic about the surgery
which had to be done two times. At the time, I did not even stop to think that
God had given me a miracle, because, after the surgery, I had almost no pain and
hardly even used my pain meds.
Most of the emotional
pain I suffered since last August has been due to stress and some fear of the
unknown. I really let my mind run rampant down into the pits. I looked okay and
told people that I was doing okay. I smiled a lot, but in the secret places of
my heart and mind…not to mention my breast…I was living in distress and
anxiety. I had taken my eyes off Jesus and was drowning. So, along comes my
first day of radiation treatment. The radiation technologists asked me what
kind of music I liked. I asked if they had any Christian music. They said that
they did, and put it on. The very first song that played was “Oceans”…the song about
how God calls us out upon the water to trust Him. It did not sink in at the
time but in the car on the way home I realized that God had been singing to me
that my illness was a call out onto the waters to join Him.
I still had about fifteen
days plus the weekends to deal with my issues that were tormenting me. It was a
hard ride, but there were things that were starting to make me think differently.
People assured me that the way I was feeling was not unusual. They told me that
what I was going through was not a walk in the park. I received cards that
affirmed me and told me who they saw in me. I got a couple of emails written by
women that I look up to as wise women of God. They wrote such amazing things
about who they saw me to be. Those warmed my heart. Women stepped up to the
plate to go with me for my radiation treatments and to bring meals.. I also
started reading some books about Cancer. One is called, What Cancer Cannot Do. and the other one is When God and Cancer Meet. They pointed out the miracles to be found
in dealing with cancer. I have had extended conversations with my friend, Vicki, who is an 8 year cancer
survivor. Her wisdom has been invaluable to me.
My body was healing,
and eventually my psyche started to heal as well. I have a much healthier
mental attitude now than I had after the surgeries on August 21st and
September 5th. My paradigm has totally shifted. Here is some of it:
·
I know that I
have received two miracles since my first bout with Cancer.
- When I had the hysterectomy my doctor went out to waiting room to talk to my husband. She
told him
that my lymph nodes were cancer filled. When the lab results came back to her they
read “no cancer,” She asked for a recheck before she called me, because she
thought that they had made a mistake. The second test came back with the same
result. This woman’s specialty is dealing with uterine, cervical, and ovarian
cancers and doing hysterectomies. She knows what cancer looks like, and yet
when the tests were done, they came back cancer free again. Many people were
praying for me, and I had my first miracle.
- The other miracle was that I actually had a mammogram after one year. I never keep track of when they are due. I had gone to see my OBGYN doctor who saw that I was due, and we scheduled one. Because of this the tumor was still small and easier to deal with.
·
I have come to view Cancer not so much an
affliction but rather as a gift…a ministry of sorts…an opportunity to grow in
wisdom and in grace. Through it all God was bringing me gifts that slowly were
helping me towards a new attitude. You cannot go through such a traumatic
experience without either being destroyed or lifted higher.
I am choosing to allow
myself to be lifted higher. For the rest of my life I will be a Cancer
Survivor. It matters not if the “Big C” is the thing that helps me to live my
life to the fullest and for God, or if it is the thing that finally takes me
out. It is my path to travel, and I know that God is with me calling me out
onto the water. I will keep my eyes on Him. The “big C” is not cancer; In
reality my “big C” is Christ...Christ Jesus.
Written by
Corinne Mustafa
October, 2014
Corinne Mustafa
October, 2014
