Forgiveness

Last July we were with some people for the weekend...my husband, me, and four others. With one of the women there I have a history of being manipulated and dealing with always doing what she wants. I felt myself to be healed of that, so when she began the same behavior I dug in my feet and did not automatically comply. This led to some bickering between the two of us. In the end I received all the blame even though two of us were bickering. I ended up leaving in disgrace. No need for the details of my leaving except it was something that had never happened to me in my entire life. I was heartbroken, felt insulted, and my pain continued in an acute way for about two weeks.

For two of the people I had decided that they no longer live in my world. The other two were closer friends, so I licked my wounds and just tried to act normal. A couple of weeks ago this person called me and told me that she felt I still was angry about it and at her. We discussed it into the ground. Finally she said, "Let's just stop rehashing it. What I want to know is do you still want us to have a relationship." After the incident I had realized that the two of us were often a toxic combo and had decided to avoid getting together as much as possible. When she posed her question at the end of the phone conversation, I had had it. I told her that I could not see any reason or desire to continue our friendship. I said bye and hung up. I had felt that they had insulted me beyond measure and was glad to be done with it.

There is a lot more behind this friendship that began in about 1996.

Later in the evening  I received a text from her saying that she was sorry about the outcome of our talk and that she had hoped it would end differently. I thought about it a lot and reopened my mind about what had happened. I thought then and still do that I cannot be close the way we used to be. Still, I felt convicted about my attitude. When I sat down to my quiet time the next morning I told God that was not sure what was right to do and asked Him to show me in some way during our time together that morning what I should do. The last thing I did in my prayer time was to read "The Word for Today" devotional. That was Wednesday, January 15, and the title of the devotional is "You Must Forgive." As I read I knew that I was receiving God's answer to my question. I placed a call to the other person and told her that I was not happy with what had transpired the night before. I did some explaining using some of the words of the devotional. I ended it with that I felt God would like this much better than the first outcome. I told her that I did not know how it would look, but that I still wanted to have a friendship.

Then along comes our pastor with the message today...topic forgiveness!!!! His teaching about forgiveness took what I had already been given one step further. In the message we were given things to do and speak to help us let go of what have become overly licked wounds...to speak words to give forgiveness even when we are not emotionally attached to the concept. We should do this so that it will more strongly become our reality. This step two of the process I am in will be very helpful. I also felt that God was continuing the teaching and guidance that He had started this past Wednesday. It also was a confirmation to me that what I had thought about during my prayer time was right on.

I feel so much better now knowing what habits to cultivate. In the past I said I had forgiven, but I still allowed the pain and hurt to whip me around. I think I can stop this reliving and mourning and really forgive. Now I have to move on to apply what I have learned to my thoughts about the other couple.

CM